*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
You Might Also Like
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Love this one 😂🧟
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…