[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I can’t stop laughing at this
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..