@somecleverthing

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

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@junejuly12

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

@ChrisStokdyk

“PSST.”

It came from my waffles.

“PSST,” again.

“What?” I ask, furtively.

“You look really nice today.”

Complimentary Breakfast

@sarcasticmommy4

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

@PaperWash

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

@gigi_k1

Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying

@petemandik

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

@donttouchjames

[intermittent fasting]

me: ok this isn’t that bad

[12 hours later]

me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here

@StillNotCool2

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

@WildeThingy

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

@Andrea__B__

God promised men that good obedient wives would be found in all 4 corners of the world, then he made the world round. What a funny guy