Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama


Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.


Probably a good thing I’m not a ghost cause I’d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.


Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.


Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.


People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?


Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.


When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”


If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.