Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

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I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren’t we helping to find them?


I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!


*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy


“Sobbing” autocorrected to “throbbing” and now my attempt at showing my sensitive side has taken a very different direction.


Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup


Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”


My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.


Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives