@TheNardvark

Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

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@FunnyMojoJojo

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

@Kids_kubed

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

@NewDadNotes

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

@tsm560

By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.

@Smooheed

“I’m gonna lick you from head to toe and make you so, so moist”

I whispered to my candy bar while my boss looked on in horror

@herprettybones

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

@Just__J0

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

@squirrel74wkgn

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.