@TheNardvark

Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

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@ASpiker

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren’t we helping to find them?

@o__0Dev

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

@IRLPepperMD

*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy

@moose_chocolate

“Sobbing” autocorrected to “throbbing” and now my attempt at showing my sensitive side has taken a very different direction.

@DrakeGatsby

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

@Fyrekrakr73

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

@CaptainJerkwad

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

@jessicaa1017

Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives