@TheNardvark

Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

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@Bipartisanism

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

@Elifcello

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

@sammyrhodes

Probably a good thing I’m not a ghost cause I’d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.

@PaperPlateFace2

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

@neiltyson

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

@TrophyWifeDayna

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

@DothTheDoth

Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.

@Mirimade

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

@frankzulla

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.