Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

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People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.


Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher


[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.


I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?


By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.


“I’m gonna lick you from head to toe and make you so, so moist”

I whispered to my candy bar while my boss looked on in horror


Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.


Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.


Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.