@Paige__xxx

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

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@SirEviscerate

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*

*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

@uncle_fescue

I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.

@eyeswidebutt

did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?

[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no

@pittdave13

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

@briangaar

Whenever people are like “We need to restore traditional values to this country” I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

@SoulYodeler

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

@jonnysun

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,