*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
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I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.
did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?
[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no
I feel this tweet
Well, I made another trip around the sun. Might as well eat cake.
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Whenever people are like “We need to restore traditional values to this country” I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,