*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
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Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Who chose this font
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.