*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
You Might Also Like
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.