Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
john wicks are toilet candles
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.