Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
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oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them