LOL
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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Hello Twits.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Maths meets science
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
my dad has had enough