@OneFunnyMummy: Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You're welcome.
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@_davidlucas_: *Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter* Her: Did you want to buy that? Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
@TheHyyyype: ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy* GUY: hey thanks [we start talking] [thirty seconds later] GUY: i'll give you a dollar to go away
@DurtMcHurtt: People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.