regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
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I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂