I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?
Me: The audacity.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines
Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
A foolproof way to get a woman’s phone number is to hit her car.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]