@SkippyMcGizzard

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

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@ADDiane

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

@mellimelle

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

@Odiegirl9

What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?

Me: The audacity.

@heatherlou_

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

@BeeBabs

Unbelievable that I am meant to eat healthy, have a social life, go to the gym and also meet my deadlines

@DumbConfessions

Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.

@mrtruthandsoul

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

@juliussharpe

A foolproof way to get a woman’s phone number is to hit her car.

@ThatAdamKid

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday