Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

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Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.


On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj


A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain


HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.


Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.


I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.


If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.


Batman: I told you, if it’s mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang..

Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes