Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.