@FunnyMojoJojo

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

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@einsteinsexual

Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I’m driving, it’s an Asian person.

@treywafer

On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj

@TheDweck

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

@JB4Realz

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

@_theigirl

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

@jackiembouvier

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

@HatfieldAnne

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

@ThaJawn

Batman: I told you, if it’s mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang..

Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes