*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

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“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro


Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?


[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]


* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read


Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.



[alarm goes off]

me: *presses snooze button*

foot cramp: hahahahaha nope


I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.