*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid