@le_buns

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

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@UnFitz

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

@lafix

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

@chadchaines

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

@Book_Krazy

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

@NotThatKunal

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

@junejuly12

[alarm goes off]

me: *presses snooze button*

foot cramp: hahahahaha nope

@_correctomundo

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.