*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Investing in beetcoin
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”