[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
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“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.