Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)