Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.