[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Stop it! 😂
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
How dramatic are you?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board