Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
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Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.