Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
Find My Fish Son
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
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INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
When someone spaces out their “ha ha ha’s” in a text I read it in Count Dracula’s voice
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.
When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken…
If looks could kill, I’d still use a baseball bat.