Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
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I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Can Happiness buy money?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Comparing yourself to others
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.