@KimmyMonte

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

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@sploosk

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

@kellymcc0y

When someone spaces out their “ha ha ha’s” in a text I read it in Count Dracula’s voice

@ericsshadow

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.

@XOperfectmessXO

When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.

@MrSpoonicorn

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

@thenatewolf

Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken…