Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
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happy mother’s day❤️
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.