Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.

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When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia


Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok


Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.


Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*


Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.


Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*


NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs…


Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*


I think I pulled a muscle paying my registration fee at the gym


Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages