adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
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My guardian angel deserves a raise
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
😎 🍻
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.