Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.