I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work