@Gibberish_one

Relationship Goals

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@dafloydsta

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

@Jake_Vig

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

@HenpeckedHal

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

@icrushedmyhalo

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

@mrjohndarby

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

@MariyaAlexander

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

@ArfMeasures

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

@tanialunreal

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

@timdonakowski

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.