“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
You Might Also Like
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!
– RL partying sounds so violent
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter
DAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.