Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
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I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I