@attheUC

Relationship status:

-Applies sunscreen to wall.
-Rubs back on wall.

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@BrandonEsWolf

Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?

@canazn_73

Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.

@bombsydoll

WHAT’S WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS DUDE? YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF & MOVE IN CLOSE BUT WHEN I KISS YOU YOURE LIKE WHOA IM JUST DOING YOUR EYE EXAM?

@PorkUrPine

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

@mostly_cheese

*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*

me: why so glum, ghost?

ghost: i’m just going through some stuff

@Darlainky

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

@Cpin42

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

@shkeeber

You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!

-Noahpra