my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
-Applies sunscreen to wall.
-Rubs back on wall.
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Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
“Sure the Decepticons are trying to kill us, but at least the price of fuel is reasonable”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
M: Are you breathing?
M: Well, there ya go
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.