@DumbConfessions

Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.

You Might Also Like

@GoodZiIIa

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

@KrunkedRobot

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

@WilliamAder

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

@McGrumpenstein

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

@Qu4rtKn33

Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.

@BuckyIsotope

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

@UncleBob56

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

@RxitWounds

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?