[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.
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Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they’re in for the rest of that day.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
There is no “i” in “stupid.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Dude open the door!
*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?