Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.

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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all


Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.


Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.


Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.


Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.


Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?


WIFE: and this is my husband, he’s obsessed with the movie shrek-
ME: *clears throat*
WIFE: sorry, the ‘academy award winning’ movie shrek


I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there


I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.


There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.