I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
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the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.