Relationship status: can’t go to the same bar as last night, because I’m wearing the same shirt as last night.

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Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.


If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”


Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower


Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive


Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!




I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.


You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams