Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bridger_w

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

@LOsepyan

Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.

@VodkaTiem

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

@WheelTod

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

@MadcapsTPS

Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.

@ImMelanieGibson

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

@hippieswordfish

WIFE: and this is my husband, he’s obsessed with the movie shrek-
ME: *clears throat*
WIFE: sorry, the ‘academy award winning’ movie shrek

@fuzzlime

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

@jjax44

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

@elunatyk

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.