I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
You can’t rush stupid.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn