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Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”