Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
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*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.