@HysteriaBarbie

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

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@JerkVening

Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.

@Kendragarden

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

@KateWhineHall

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

@theshamingofjay

Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.

@MarfSalvador

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

@Rikidus

Saw 10: nickelback on repeat for 24 hours and to get out of the room you have to talk to Ann Coulter.

@drewtoothpaste

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

@jazmasta

My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl’s house after watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her.

@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*