Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
You Might Also Like
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
#merica
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.