me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
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It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Saturday
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Said the murderer.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks