Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
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*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”