I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
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I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My neck my back my allergy attack
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.