Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.


I am now running out of paper towels.

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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”


*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*


Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.


Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad


DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point


If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin


[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”


Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit


Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?