how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
I am now running out of paper towels.
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Secret Panel HERE 💥
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Ok, milk… Check!
“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?