Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.