Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.