I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.