The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.