Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.


BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle


*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?


Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.


Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.


Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive


GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?


What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?


I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.