Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

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Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.


Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.


me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic


CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid


I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage


Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip


Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”


The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.


I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.


Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.