Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
You Might Also Like
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
These 3D printers are insane!
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
True?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.