@Wine_honey1

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

You Might Also Like

@HelenMaryMe

If you’re found snoozing at your desk, just say “Oh they told me at the blood bank that this might happen!”

@Scarlet_Rose67

My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.

@gIitering

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

@DaddyJew

Relationship threats:

teens: i’ll cheat on you

20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys

30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you

@T_Bonezzz_

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

@SaltyCorpse

Him: That’s a little dramatic.

Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.

@duplicitron

Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.

@MatCro

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote