If you’re found snoozing at your desk, just say “Oh they told me at the blood bank that this might happen!”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
teens: i’ll cheat on you
20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys
30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Him: That’s a little dramatic.
Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.
Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote