@luvsoralfun

Relationship status: looking for a woman whose family would pay me $1mil to disappear and not contact her anymore…

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@tat2dsoccermom

Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.

@LionJenkins

Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.

@DanMentos

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

@SirEviscerate

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

@theshantilly

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

@thatdutchperson

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

@WheelTod

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

@GingerHotDish

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.