Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.