Relationship status: looking for a woman whose family would pay me $1mil to disappear and not contact her anymore…

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Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.


Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.


Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”


ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!


Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.


ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem


We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation


[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.