@ChiefTwittler

Relationship Status: Lurking

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@Jake_Vig

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

@stevevsninjas

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

@BellesJar

Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.

@evofck

My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.

@AbbeYaar

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger & write “WASH ME” on her face.

@stargazer15_

I’m the kind of girl that will suck helium from a balloon and talk dirty to you in a Minnie Mouse voice.

Really dirty.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

@TheMichaelRock

Her: ID please

Me: for?

Her: alcohol

Me: my beard is almost white

Her: still need it

Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station