I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert