Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Skills
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.