“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
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Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do