Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*