Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
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Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!