Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Tinder is crazy these days why aren’t you following us yet? 😂😭
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!