RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules