@BuckyIsotope

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

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@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@MomOfTeen

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

@ParanoidParker

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

@DurtMcHurtt

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

@dubiousrhetoric

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

@ericONEderful

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

@mompsychologist

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!