RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*