Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
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Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*