Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

You Might Also Like


me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn


I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.


Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.


Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”


I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.


Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.


FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now


ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.


Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.


If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I’ll never been seen alive again.