@ruraljules

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

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@English_Channel

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

@MagsWoodward

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

@GuyAdvisor

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

@ashmensch

I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.

@1followernodad

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

@Mr_Kapowski

FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now

@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

@kolchak

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

@OnceUponALiz

If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I’ll never been seen alive again.