Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
#MeanwhileInCanada
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?