Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

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Estimated assembly time said 20 minutes, it took much longer than that.

Clearly the instruction writer is overly confident in his skills.


Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit


I choked on a carrot earlier and all I could think of is that a donut wouldn’t have done that to me.


I’ve seen enough episodes of “Cops” to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.


At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments


Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you



Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*


the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of